How to feel.
What follows is a long ago thought from my journal — I think I tapped it into my phone one day on the way to work — that’s still 100% true. The guilt that can accompany acceptance of loss. Is it okay to be okay?
Usually I am fine.
It’s confusing because it can seem like I am calloused or past it or forgetting. How can such big feelings go away? How can such a big thing become smaller? This used to make me feel guilty. And I would hide it even from myself. Or I would force myself to feel bad.
But now I think I understand it better. It’s not that my feelings are gone. It’s that I know how to access them or put them away. They don’t overwhelm me anymore but I can summon them up when I want to, need to. The feeling is no longer an open wound. It’s a treasure, a precious charm on a chain around my neck that I can take out and kiss when I need to feel blessed.